Lies about my band

What happened with the rock and roll hall of fame?

I know that everyone has a theory about why our band hasn’t made it to Cleveland yet.  Some say we have never released an album, let alone waited 25 years.  Some say we never have had a hit single.  Neither did the Grateful Dead, and that was the biggest band in the world, who could only play football stadiums.  NONE of this has to do with why we haven’t made the ‘Cleveland Cut’®.  Quite simply, it is politics.  Selling records doesn’t get you in.  If it did, Rush would have been there 20 years ago.  You know, the quintuple platinum hockey band?

How is Motley Crue not in?  They had the hits, they had the looks.  They have the lifestyle.  Vince Neil KILLED a guy drunk driving on a trip to the liquor store.  He did less time than Lindsay Lohan for did for drunk driving, stealing a car, kidnapping a guy, and then only stopped when she crashed into a police station.  True story, and she did 84 minutes of jail for that.  Do you have any idea how many felonies that is?  Me neither, but it’s a LOT.  Tell me what, or who, is more rock and roll than Motley Crue?  While I am not the biggest Crue fan, if they changed the name of the R&RHOF to the ‘Motley Crue Rock & Roll Hall of Fame’… I wouldn’t argue.

No.  That isn’t why ClownFight isn’t in Cleveland.  One night, too many years ago to count, I told Jann Wenner to fuck off.  Big mistake.  He not only runs Rolling Stone, he single handedly runs the rock and roll hall of fame.  Google it!  Nah, wait… I did it for you.  It’s been strongly implied for ClownFight to ever see the cover of Rolling Stone again, I would be wise to apologize to Jann Wenner.  That isn’t rock and roll, it’s business, and it’s not how ClownFight rolls.  I am not a patsy for the man.  That being said, Jann, you GOTTA forgive me man.  I am so sorry.  I thought you were banging our drummer at the time.  It was my fault, and I want to make amends.  Yes, I nailed your wife, but she was all drunk and pilled up at the time.  Hardly counts, really.

About VH1’s ‘bands’ reunited’

what really happened that day, when the camera crew from VH1 showed up.  There is a myth that I have been hearing for years.  The story goes that I punched out a camera guy from VH1.  My god, this drives me crazy.  I hit NO ONE that day.  I most certainly didn’t attack a camera guy.  Classic television editing!  I never hit anyone, and I can prove it. – (editors note:  he absolutely did hit someone that day.  We have the footage to prove it.)

        we all get how shows like this are made.

you have seen all the carefully edited footage.  They made it LOOK like I decked the camera man.  An off camera kerfuffle – SO far from true, or what actually happened.  I never hit anyone.  Sure, I hit the sound guy… hard.  Knocked him out cold!  I lost about $350,000 on that one.  Also, yes, I threw coffee in the face of that little prick of an assistant.  I don’t care that he was permanently scarred like a McDonald’s mom… you don’t look me in the eye… EVER.  Especially, if you are a coffee fetching assistant.  It’s ironic, I’ll admit, that he runs our former record label now.  Looks like we won’t be back there for a greatest hits package any time soon.

About our publicity still

Take a look at this.  I am the one standing, in the middle, as the guys crouch around me.  It has been said that it was a dick power move by me, to show I was in charge.  Maybe it was a conscious move by me… or an unconscious move.  Maybe it was the photographer, clearly seeing I was the guy in charge. It appears the band is gathered around me.  It looks Machiavellian, or at the very least reminds us of that scene in Almost Famous where the band sees they were blurred out of their own t shirt design.  My wife knows I wouldn’t pull a power play like that, but she said it’s pretty clear I am somehow making a statement by standing.  She thought it was subconscious, perhaps.

Here is the truth behind it.  I have a very bad back.  I can’t stoop.  Odds are this was taken after a show at a bar, which meant I was standing for the last 3 hours with a big ass chunk of wood strapped to my torso the whole time.  THAT is why I am standing.  I didn’t even realize how it made me stand out until way after the fact.  It’s a great shot, though, isn’t it?  Thanks to the awesome DRock photography.  He not only took the pic, but staged the action and site as well.

How we really got our name

We are working on a better band name. Perhaps as you read this down the line, we already have one.  You know about the lawsuits, reunion tours, and the brief club tour Justin did with the ‘ClownFighters’ while I was in detox.  Yeah, I kinda sued the fuck out of him for that one.  With the gag order and grand jury indictment finally unsealed;  I can now tell you where the name ‘ClownFight’ came from.

I was in a parade, the big St Patrick’s day parade in downtown Denver.  Supposedly, the is the second biggest St Pat’s day parade in the country.  Note, I am not at the parade, I was in the parade.  I was working for the dog shelter, where I still volunteer.  We were walking adoptable dogs.  Most of the route, I was walking with a nice older lady.  She seemed of the age that maybe walking three miles through the streets of Denver with a strong, spazzed out dog might not have been the best idea.  So, I kept a close on her and we kept each other company.  I don’t know where she was from, but it clearly wasn’t the US.  Her accent was rather German-y.  I wanted to ask her where she was from, but I don’t know if you are allowed to do that.  To ask that question first implied ‘well, you clearly aren’t from here, and not even barely fitting in!’

Behind us in the parade was a group of clowns.  Wherever she was from, it clearly wasn’t from a place with clowns.  I didn’t know that at the time of this upcoming exchange.  She asked me what clowns do in their downtime.  Again, I thought we were making small talk.  Being me, I just started riffing some nonsense.  I said “oh, well… clown fighting.  It’s common knowledge that clowns are full of rage.  Clowns have been know to kill each other, just for sport.  In fact, the reason they have to wear make up is to cover the knife wounds.  Plus, it confuses their parole officers something awful.”

Clearly, that is absurd, right?  Well, Adolf’s grandmother believed me.  Her eyes opened wide, and I could tell she was upset.  Also, since they were right behind us, I think she was actually afraid.  I told her it was ok, and I had made that stuff up.  Soon as I could after that, though, I texted the band my name idea – ClownFight!  Bonus fun, I don’t like the name, never did.  Like the ‘B Sharps‘, it sounds clever at first, and then more and more annoying each subsequent time.  We had a band meeting shortly after, and put together all the name choices that were finalists.  ClownFight was among them, and won.  Problem is, I was not there that night.  I am 100% positive I was not there, and if I was, I would have not voted for it.  Even stranger, everyone in the band is convinced I was there.  AND… they are convinced I approved it.  They were drinking at the time, of course.  As would I have been, were I there.

The Incident with Dave Mustaine

this is a true story, and has nothing to do with my band.  It’s a story I always wanted to tell, and didn’t have a better place to tell it.  When I was young, I saw Megadeth a LOT.  I was a long haired serious heavy metal fan.  Not a huge fan of Megadeth, mind you, but I do enjoy them.  In the mid 80s, they were the opening band for everyone.  I saw them like 5 times in 3 years.  One of those times, during the band’s set, the drummer passed out.  I mean not in a small way.  I mean in the middle of the goddamn song, the drummer passes out and falls off his kit backwards.  The band stops and the roadies had to DRAG his lifeless body off the stage.  It was pretty damn funny for a 14 year old long haired me.

Fast forward about 2 years.  Megadeth is doing press on their incredibly good album ‘Peace Sells…‘  They were doing an in store record signing at Tower Records.  I was there, and got to chat with Mustaine.  They were all at a table, singing cassettes.  I asked Dave what happened with his drummer that night.  He clearly wasn’t expecting that.  He says to me “it must have been some of that really good Phoenix Arizona heroin”.  This is what he said, verbatim… to a fucking child.  Why in the world would you say something like that to a clearly impressionable and doe eyed fan?  I assume it’s true, but you don’t tell a kid that.  If you really want to tell  the truth, say this “sadly, my drummer fucked up.  He has a serious drug problem, and it’s a wonder he is still alive.  I am sorry you had to see that.”

At least – that is what I say when being confronted by fans about my drummer’s small heroin problem.

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